A Rocky Road

Happy Birthday Matthew Lawrence Knoop- I miss you and love, but celebrate every moment I shared with you!

For Matt's birthday Liz, Laur, and I made his family a cake, out of tradition. Every year we use to make him a cake and sneak it into his bedroom or house before school, he loved it. I remember at Utah State for his birthday he didn't want me to tell anyone it was his birthday, but I still made him a cake and took him out to dinner. He knew I would do something, but I didn't tell anyone it was his birthday just like he asked. We also made him a really cool card for his grave that had a note for him and then we drew a whole bunch of small pictures of memories we had shared with him over the past 12 years. Here are what some of them were... A taco haha we always went out to eat with Matt and for some reason all the guys loved Taco Bell and Taco Time, but he also loved Hot Harry's, El Chubasco, Baja, and Davanzas, all the local spots. Another one was of us in a tent. The night before graduation the three of us set up a tent in Liz and Lauren's backyard. Of course we told Matt and Brady and the came over to spend the night. Well as Matt knew, the three of us together is insane, we have way too much fun, and he was one person who could take the three of us all the time. One thing we loved to do was quote movies and Matt HATED IT and I mean hated it. So this particular night we kept saying "my fingers hurt" from Happy Gilmore and Matt was getting very mad, he finally said if you guys say that one more time I am leaving and of course all three of us at the same time said "my fingers hurt" and Matt got up and left. We loved Matt and spent most of our time with him, doing everything we could possible. We are going to miss him and making new memories. We all know we will see him again and that is what keeps us going, keeps us string to do better, be better. I love Liz and Laur and we really have been through a lot together this year and we all know how much Matt meant to each of us, which is always a helpful thing on those days you just have to cry into someone's shoulder. We miss you Matt! We took some pictures of the cake and the card, which I have to get from Lauren and I will post them and I am sure she will too!




This past weekend has been some what emotional and significant. On Saturday it was the 10 month anniversary of Matt's death and today it is his birthday. I haven't been crying as much lately and I think it is because I am filled with joy these days and joy with where my life is headed, but it is amazing how my heart and my body just know when this time rolls around each month. It is like clockwork. I miss Matt everyday, I think of him everyday, I try and remember his warm laugh, soft hands, and his smile. He was definitely a huge part of my life and is still a huge part of my life. His death has transformed me and I know he is still there with me everyday and misses me too... well he better miss me. He is the reason I got my life back on track, I can now say that I have a temple recommend, a church calling, and am moving forward. It has taken me about 10 months to say that, to say I am moving forward. Matt will never be forgotten, the pain will honestly never go away, but I can still live, right? Somedays I feel like I can't, but that doesn't mean that I can't try. I love you Matt and miss you everyday.